Okay, so someone may notice that this chapter and Chapter 5 have the same subtitle. Well, as far as the story goes, I will be taking the advice of some of my critiquers and combining Chapter 5 into Chapter 4, so now Chapter 6 is Chapter Five and this is Chapter 6, ha ha. But this title goes better for this chapter than it did for that one anyway.
Also, missed it with that other chapter, but this chapter is rated R for sex. I don't think it's that bad, but I am adhering to the rules of this site, like a good citizen. *cue 1984 vibes, ha ha*
Creep slipped out of the back alley, a black shadow upon a white tableau. Without hesitation he walked through the front door of Empyrean Heights, not fearful of being seen, but still not desiring it. While he had lost his would-be pursuers, he did not know if word of his exploit had gotten around. It was better safe than sorry.
The floor creaked beneath his shoes as he stalked ahead. Smells of perfume and sweat assailed him, hanging like a near invisible mist in the shade. Moans and grunts told him that a late afternoon customer was already being serviced. The dance stage and the seats before it were empty; it was not yet time for that debauchery. Creep looked around all of this, trying to find the owner of the house.
“Concetta?” he asked, his voice echoing in the empty spaces. “Concetta?”
A head poked out from around a corner. It did not belong to Concetta though, but to Proskannaeo, the Nereid and the whore that Concetta trusted most. A surprised expression crossed her face and she turned to look down the hall.
“Get Miss Lucca quick!” she said, a thick Brooklyn accent hanging on her words. “He’s here!”
There was the sound of scuttering feet ascending an unseen staircase. Proskannaeo stepped out and began to approach Creep. He acknowledged her with a nod of his head.
“You’re back,” she said to him. “Have you come to bed her again?”
Creep turned away; this was not a conversation he wanted to have. Making love to Concetta, while enjoyable, had not exactly been his idea. And while it would happen again, probably even tonight, he did not look upon it as more than a means to an end; a way to survive this life he now led. In his purpose-driven mind, there was no love between him and Concetta, though what there might be he did not ponder.
Proskannaeo put a hand on Creep’s shoulder. “You don’t need only her,” she whispered into his ear. “We’re all just as good as her.”
Creep turned and pushed her away, wanting to be rid of her and her wants. But Proskannaeo was not to be deterred that easily. With smooth, deft movements she undid the strings and buttons that held her clothing around her body. It fell around her in a crumpled heap, leaving her bare before Creep. He swallowed and tried to look away, but found that he could not. The Nereid ran her hands down her body, leading his eyes along.
There was silence in the room. Creep’s mouth was cotton dry. The sight before him was at once both arousing and repulsing him. This was a problem. All Creep knew to do was to deal with this problem in a familiar way. He drew his gun and pointed it at Proskannaeo’s head.
“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?”
Concetta’s words froze Creep in his tracks. He holstered the gun. Proskannaeo began to gather her clothes up as Concetta approached them, briskly padding across the floor with a vicious glare carved into her face. She came to Creep first.
“You ever threaten one of my girls again, I’ll turn you in,” she said to him. Creep clenched his jaw and tightened his grip on the handle of his gun for a moment. Concetta’s eyes widened when she saw this and she started to back away from Creep. But Creep knew that this would do nothing for him but make him feel good for a moment. So he let go and exhaled loudly.
Satisfied, Concetta turned to Proskannaeo. “And you, you try to take advantage of our guest? If you try it again, I’ll do worse than throw your ass on the street. You know I know your father. Do you want him to know you’re here, working as a common whore?”
Proskannaeo’s face went white. “But-but, you know what he’d do to me!”
“Then you will not attempt to service this boy again, is that understood?”
The Nereid nodded and scampered off. Concetta watched her go, flicking her tail. Satisfied that all things were now settled, she turned back to Creep and began to unwrap the bandages around his head.
“What are you doing?” he asked as he tried to shake her off. A pawed hand held his chin still.
“You’re not waltzing in here dolled up like that,” she said. “Someone’s bound to recognize you. Take off your mask and come in the back door next time, got it?”
Creep grunted but gave a nod of agreement. In the end, this would benefit him as much as it would benefit her. The last of the bandages came off of Creep’s face and Concetta ran a hand over it.
“Well, what carnage did you cause this time?” she asked. “Go party crashing again?”
Creep pulled the folder out and handed it to Concetta She took it and began to flip through it, raising her eyebrows a few times as she read it.
“Well, quite a list of names here. What are you going to do with it?”
“I’m gonna kill the people on it,” Creep said as he took off his trenchcoat. A sigh of fatigue escaped his lips.
“You’re a fool,” Concetta said with a shake of her head. “You don’t even know who’s behind these names, do you?”
“Friends of yours?”
Concetta shook her head. “But I still know who they are. This David Entrigan is the city treasurer. Cord and Sam MacKenzie are the Canadian diplomat’s brats. Wynerhe is a Fae, Deep Sidhe variety.”
“So he’s a homo?” Creep asked.
“What?”
“You said he was gay.”
“No, Fae. You would say he’s a fairy.”
“So he is a homo?”
Concetta growled. “You’re talking about fruits. I’m talking about creatures that are so entrenched in magic that they could kill you with barely a thought. Got it?”
Creep nodded and allowed Concetta to take his hand. She lead him to the staircase that granted entrance to the customer free portions of Empyrean Heights. His shoes made heavy sounds as he ascended in her wake, rising out of the mist of perfume and sweat.
They arrived at the second floor. The bullet holes around Concetta’s door, where Creep had dispatched the Nail’s thugs, were still there. He winced when he saw them. Concetta however paid no mind to them, but walked right up to the door and opened it.
“What is it?” she asked when she turned and saw his reaction.
He shook his head. “Nothing.”
“You need to grow up, boy,” Concetta said as she took his hand again and led him within the room. Creep was drawn into the haze of silk and incense yet again. The aroma filtered into him, lulling him into a significantly more peaceful state than Proskannaeo had left him in.
With slow hands Concetta began to undo Creep’s clothes. He tried to push her away. “No, not now,” he said. She smiled and put her arms around his waist, pulling him close to her.
“Yes, now,” she said, leaning into his face and nipping lightly on his ear. “You’re mine, boy. Like it or not, when I say come, you come to my bed for me. And I don’t need you to be the man. I just need you to be there and let me work on you.”
Creep tried to pull away, but Concetta pulled him closer again, sliding a hand down his back and into his pants.
“No, you’re staying here, boy,” she said. “You have no where else to go. Anyone else would turn you in. But I will help you as long as you do what I want. Now, come here.”
She lead him over to the bed, taking off his clothes and throwing them to the floor. He tried to resist, tried to tell his arms and legs to push her away and flee. Yet it was not possible; they only responded to her movements, shackled to his base teenage desires. He lay on the bed and Concetta crawled onto him, her own clothes now only forethought. As they moved together, the man called Creep faded away and the boy called Creep came forward once again.
Concetta looked into his eyes and smiled. “Ah, there’s the boy I’m looking for. You’re more agreeable like this.”
“I, I don’t know quite why,” Creep said.
Concetta shifted her position to lie beside Creep. “What brings a mixed-up, pretty boy like you to this place anyway?”
Creep looked up at the ceiling, trying to ignore the question. A pawed hand brought his gaze back to Concetta. She kissed him.
“Come now, I’m being serious,” she said. “What would possess a boy like you to come here and start killing folk?”
Creep breathed in. “My sister’s dead,” he said on the exhale.
Concetta huffed. “So?” she asked. “I have sisters. If they died, I wouldn’t become a monster one minute and a sniveling brat the next.”
A tear ran out of Creep’s eye. Concetta saw it and wiped it away. “Then again, my sisters and I aren’t all that close.”
“She and I were close,” Creep said, sniffling his nose and turning away from Concetta.
“So those people on the list…” Concetta said.
“They did it,” Creep said.
For a moment there was only silence. Outside the wind had begun to blow, and that sound made the room seem very cold and empty. Concetta reached over and rolled Creep back towards her. Two warm arms went around him and he tried to worm away, but she held him tight.
“You need love,” she said to him.
“I didn’t love her like this,” Creep said with a tone of disgust.
“I didn’t say you did,” Concetta said. “But you need something to replace hers. Come, here.”
She took Creep’s head and brought it close to her, cradling it at her chest. This was not what Creep wanted. He didn’t want any kind of replacement for his sister, least of all this, and he tried to get away from Concetta. Yet she held him tight, forcing him to feel the warmth and shape of her body with all of him. And, in that moment, acceptance and longing entered into him. Concetta’s place in his mindset changed. No longer was she just a means to an end anymore. She cared for him, and somewhere down in the depths of his heart Creep knew that the only right thing to do was to return that care. So he breathed in of Concetta’s scent, closed his eyes, and faded into his dreams.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey Connie! Jigs and Jabs have said a lot here. I'm just going to give a brief review with my thoughts. A penny for my thoughts -- seriously, my thoughts are probably only worth a penny. xD
As was obvious on AIM, Brooklyn here threw me off a bit. Mainly because I've been picturing a world that is similiar to ours, but not ours. Because you haven't made any references to any place names recognizable in our world, I just assumed that names were different, and places were different, though the many concepts were the same (i.e., whore houses, haha, probably carriages and all that sort of stuff). Then, after a while of not referencing anything, you say Brooklyn -- it just made me pause and start thinking. That city name just sounded so weird, since I wasn't picturing anything like that and my thoughts were so far from it.
Not really a reasonably response to a gun being held to their head. Ah!
Concetta sounds like a forming antagonist here.
I demand teenage be removed from this sentence! xD
Seriously, sex isn't a teenage desire. It's a 20s desire, and a 30s desire, and a 40s desire, and a 50s desire, and in this modern age, even 60s and 70s. You could say masculine desire, but it's not just reserved to men either -- accurately, just inate desire, or something about human nature would do. This teenage desire business is just an unrealistic statement.
You have set up a cool world here. You just need to answer:
What is up with Creep?
Jiggity said most of it. His mood swings are just a little too unjustified. It's more than a "boy to man" thing, here. You need to set down and write in a profile type thing what sets him off and what doesn't, and why he feels so justified in all his actions.
I like Concetta here, because she makes sense. She makes a lot more sense than Creep does, and I like how she talks down to him, because I feel he should be smacked around a little. He's becoming inane.
~ Clo
Hello again! =D
Grammar and First Impressions
Didn't you just end Chapter 6 with a sentence much like this? >_<
Lol!
Kinda like he's stuttering. If you want a pause, use an ellipse.
Overall Commentary
Concetta. I have no idea how she suddenly became caring and how Creep could believe that, especially when she beds him against his will. I would punch her in the face (and not just because I'm female). If I were in Creep's depressed and crazed state, I'd run. He's had the cops after him before. Why is Concetta threatening to turn him in when he could easily get out?
This kinda leads to how I hated the ending. That was when you explained how Concetta was caring now and not so whore-ish. I beg to differ! XD She is a horrible woman. I don't like her as much as I like Creep. I find Concetta is just in the way. Creep shouldn't have to have sex after robbing the bank. If Concetta cared, she would let him relax and talk lightly. Of course, we're dealing with a whore, so what do I know?
So really, Concetta's my only issue as of now. I would have liked it if Creep explained more and we didn't just right into sex. That was bothersome. And Proskannaeo's moment, I thought, was good. I just didn't like how Concetta basically took over. Eh.
I think a flashback with Creep and his sister would be helpful. Why should we care that his sister is dead? Was she sweet and innocent? Did they have fun? Was Creep an innocent boy way back when? xD A flashback or two would be awesome. A dream. Memories. Stories.
So. Yes, blah, blah, blah...
Keep writing! =D
Jabber, the One and Only!
Awkwardly worded. 'Creep only knew one way to deal with a problem" - or something in that vein would flow better.
could be wrong but shouldn't that be 'led' - not lead?
I would scratch the dialogue and leave her facial reaction as testament to the depth of that threat. Much better than clumsy telling.
missing period between 'Concetta' and 'She'
**
I mentioned my fading interest, yes? It hasn't been rectified, but I think I understand the problem more, now. I don't like Creep. At all. He's such a freak XD. I mean, a beautiful whore undresses in front of him and he pulls a gun on her? It's such an extreme reaction, understandable given his character, but even so...it just felt...wrong, somehow. He has such a holier-than-thou attitude that's so annoying and we've yet to learn how he came to get it. It seems so unjustified. He's not a normal teen at all -- "base" feelings -- and on the one hand its believable complexity, on the other hand...I just don't buy it.
I still find it creepy that the man inside won't have sex but the boy will, by the way.
I'm completely unsympathetic to Creep -- this is the biggest issue, I think -- I think he's a monster and he needs to be killed. There's anti-heroism and there's something else entirely. Creep is something else entirely. Up until now, the issue is that its been constant action (and I mean, not in the blockbuster sense but in the sense that its constantly moving forward) which is a good thing, mostly, but we need more. All we've got is a surface image and some hints as to the character-conflict within it but we don't know the cause, and so it becomes harder to identify/sympathise/empathise with emotions and actions we essentially don't understand.
Now we learn that he's avenging his sister...I still don't care. It's not enough. It in no way justifies what he's done/doing and he's still a monster! I didn't really enjoy this chapter...I felt that the resolution between Concetta's place in his world -- from "a means to an end" to a genuine friend occured much too rapidly. It should have been drawn out more, the resolution was cheap and didn't have the effect it should have. Personally, I think this one needs more work but I'm interested to see what others say.
Cheers